Being Respected

I recently had an experience that struck me deeply, so deeply that it has been lingering in my mind for days and weeks now, sinking still more deeply into my heart. I've pondered it, wondered at it, and learned from it. It's left me with a strong sense of gratitude as well as a sense that I still have much to learn, much to change about myself.

I guess I haven't had the best experiences with guys in the past. For years I stuck with my good girl friends, trusting and leaning on them and looking at guys that weren't related to me with...well, maybe uncertainty. More recently, that uncertainty grew into suspicion and discomfort. Guys had made me feel like I was invisible, like I was nothing more than an object, like I was flawed, not good enough, even worthless. I felt more and more like I had to be on the defensive around them and keep my guard up. I tended to expect to be disrespected or emotionally hurt by them. Any insecurities I'd wrestled with had been compounded by them--OK, maybe it's more accurate to say that I allowed my insecurities to multiply because of guys.

The experiences I had made me realize how much I valued respect, and when I finally began to befriend guys my age that truly did care for and respect me, that actually treated me as a human being and a friend, I couldn't get over how amazing it felt. Over and over my heart overflowed with thankfulness that God had brought good Christian brothers into my life, men that could help me move past my less-than-ideal experiences and renew my respect and appreciation for guys outside of my family.

But the sad thing was that it took them to point out that I wasn't expecting the respect I deserved from others. I was touched whenever I heard them become angry when they felt either I or other of our female friends weren't receiving the respect they deserved from other men. But I also felt rebuked when I realized that sometimes the fault lay partially with me. I had settled into a passive attitude, expecting non Christian men to just say and do things I wouldn't appreciate. I would try to avoid them, roll my eyes, ignore them. Maybe take it jokingly and laugh, thinking it wasn't a big deal. But in doing so, I was letting myself accept less respect.

I felt incredibly thankful--even amazed--that the Christian guys in my life believed that I deserved to be honored. That even a simple joke they found edging on distasteful wasn't acceptable because it compromised the respect that they wanted to show toward me and wanted others to show toward me.

It's hard to put into words how this situation made me feel, or just how grateful I am that God did bring these men into my life. It's hard to tell people things like this without sounding corny. And it's difficult to go into the past, to bring up some of the old hurts and scars and insecurities, in order to describe the impact just a few simple words or gestures can make toward recovery. But yes, I am very thankful for these men: thankful that they are constantly showing me that there are good guys out there, showing me that I deserve respect, showing me that I'm not just an "object", showing me that I can feel safe in a friendship of mutual respect and care. They are such a huge blessing. Deep down I think I always knew that there were godly men out there and they weren't "all jerks", and deep down I always knew that God valued me and that because of that I should value myself. But I haven't always lived it out; my heart hasn't always fully grasped what my head knows. Thank God for brothers that show me in their day-to-day conduct what I should never forget.