Sacrificing Isaac: A Continuation

Last year, I wrote about Abraham and his seemingly impossible task from God to sacrifice His son. Today, reading over Abraham's life journey in church, I was again hit with the magnitude of Abraham's story. But more importantly, I was reminded of Abraham's humanity and the years of growth that brought him to this point.

Abraham hadn't always been this trusting. In fact, he had once been named Abram, a scared individual who would rather lie and shrink away from the fear of death rather than trust God to save him. He had journeyed from one foreign land to the next beseeching his beautiful wife to call herself his sister so that he wouldn't be killed for her sake. But years of testing in his life had taught him to trust God. At least, God renamed him Abraham, a father of nations, and blessed him and Sarah with the son that they had been awaiting for decades.

Abraham hadn't even been able to trust God with his own life, but when he finally saw God work a miracle, he found the courage and faith to trust God with his son's life. He might have failed to measure up before, with disobedience, doubt, or partial obedience, but this time, he knew his God was big enough. His God was the God of miracles, the God of the impossible. This God was the God he'd followed through the wilderness, the God who rewarded his patience and his trust every time with blessings that took his breath away and made him laugh again.

Some people accuse Abraham of being a crazy old man, a schizophrenic individual prepared to murder his son whenever he heard voices. That's because faith looks like insanity from the outside. Absolute trust and obedience and the ultimate sacrifices look crazy to a world familiar only with self-indulgence and self-reliance.

Isaac was Abraham's dream, his promise. God had promised that he would provide Abraham with a son--probably the only thing in the world this wealthy, blessed man lacked and yearned for--and now it looked like God was about to take this blessing away. Can you imagine dreaming and longing for something or someone for nearly your whole life, and then having it ripped away? But worse than that, can you imagine someone asking you to let go of it? Think of your dearest loved ones or your biggest, lifelong dreams. When these are taken from us, we are absolutely crushed. Depressed. Heartbroken. Could you imagine willingly giving them up because you trust God has a better plan? Can you trust that God loves you so much that He has a better plan than that dream you treasure? Can you trust He loves your family and dearest friends more than even you do?

These are mind-boggling questions. But Jesus said, thousands of years later, that in order to follow Him, we have to put Him above all else. Above the dreams. Above the goals. Above the love of family and friends. Above ourselves.

In my own life, I can't really say I've passed this test. I feel like I've been compelled to climb the mountain at different times, but I stumble, I crawl, I grow weak, and I question why God is dragging me up this route. In the past, my faith and my patience all but broke. I wasn't the most willing mountain climber, but my sight was clouded and it seemed like there was no other way. I tried to trust that God had a plan, but I didn't like the thought of having to sacrifice mine.

It's true that the walk up the mountain is painful, long, and heartbreaking. I'm sure even Abraham, full of enough faith to choose to climb the mountain when he could have turned away, nearly broke down during the climb. But if we push through to the top, we'll find a new perspective. And perhaps, as I have before, we'll even find out that what we thought was lost is not gone after all--we just had to temporarily give it up or lose sight of it from our limited viewpoint in order to find it again. I wasn't the most faithful Christian, but God is faithful. Perhaps Abraham, also, wished that he hadn't trembled so much or questioned God so many times over the days' ride to the mountain. Maybe he wondered why he'd hesitated so long to bind his son, or why he had continued to feed the rising fear and frustration. But there his obedience brought blessing, and the son he was willing to give back to God, was given to him a second time. It's there on the mountain that God honors our sacrifices, even those that seem small to outsiders, or so large they make us look crazy, and blesses us beyond what we ever dreamed before.

Belonging

We all want to belong somewhere. There are so many quotes about home-- "home is where the heart is," "there is no place like home"-- so much talk about finding a place where we "belong" and feel like we have a purpose. Kids and teenagers submit to peer pressure because they want to "fit in." Adults chase after temporary fads and current fashions for what is "in", so that they aren't considered "out."

We always have our eyes on where we want to be, where our goal is, what we need to become, so that we can find that place where, somehow, magically, we will have it all together. We'll belong. We'll have meaning, contentment, and feel welcomed. We're always looking for something else, some other thing we need or goal we have to obtain. We chase and chase and focus on the future, forgetting the present. Where we are now, what we have now.

Christians have a tendency to do all this as well, but we sometimes also have a habit of putting a special label to it. We want to discover "God's will," we want to discover and follow God's plan for our lives. We're not there just yet, but we want to be. We wait, we pray, we hope that someday we will feel that contentment that we aren't feeling now.

But what if we are exactly where we belong? Sure, heaven is our home, but God is what makes heaven, and God is with us, always. And for now, if we are living, breathing, He wants us here, our place is here. We belong here, in this moment. Our purpose is to live now for Him. Not to wait until some "special plan" unfolds, until we reach that particular goal or obtain that certain thing. Contentment is available now, in Him. That meaning we have been wanting in our lives, that sense of belonging, is available now. Why are we seeking so hard in the life for something else, something "bigger", "better"? If we are truly following Him, trusting Him, He is leading us down the path He wants us to be on.

We're all too busy worrying about tomorrow, and who knows if tomorrow ever comes? Who knows if those dreams we have, those "big things" we think we are supposed to do for God, will ever happen? Maybe He has a different plan. Maybe it isn't the time for that "big thing" to happen yet. But where does God say He only wants "big things"? That those who serve Him will only be doing big, flashy things? Isn't it in the small moments, the seemingly little decisions, that we glorify Him? Isn't it in those moments that we choose to have faith and follow Him, to allow Him to lead us to that "big" moment? We aren't guaranteed tomorrow. But we have right now. We have a purpose now: to trust and follow and love Him. We have "belonging", a sense of home now: to have His presence and love ever with us. Why are we waiting, sitting in discontent, instead of living...right now?

"Changing the World"

Maybe it was the church service this morning. Maybe it was the stress. Maybe it was the constant feeling of pointless drudgery, this meaningless void I feel like I'm being sucked into. Maybe it was the self-disgust at my own self-pity, carelessness, selfishness. Maybe it was the restlessness. Maybe it was the longing for something more. Maybe it was the need to finally throw away the hurt, the bitterness, the apathy. Maybe it was the book I'm reading. Maybe it was the conversation I had with my coworker. Maybe it was remembering the closeness with God I've had in times past.

I think it was all of these. God's been walking besides me, trying to get my attention, but something inside me is finally waking up. 

We all have our excuses. We're busy. We're stressed. We're tired. We're upset. We'll do it later. 

Whenever something is going wrong in our world, our country (which is every day), we are quick to point out that things need to turn around. We talk about making change. We want God to bless our country, turn it back to morality, to Him. We walk around talking about how we want to change the world, but we refuse to change ourselves. We are quick to see what's wrong with this world and with others, but not so quick to see what's wrong with ourselves.

"...If My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land." --2 Chronicles 7:14

We're all "too busy" for God. "Too tired." We want God to step in and cause a miracle of forgiveness and healing to occur in our country, but we don't want to fulfill His requirements.

Well, I want to make a change. I want to seek God. I want to live for Him. I spent so much time in college preparing for something that I thought was His will, and here I am, thrown unexpectedly into something else, sometimes, quite frankly, in emotional turmoil. Maybe I'm a little angry even. But I want God to use me wherever I am. I want to see Him reveal Himself to me, reveal my purpose to me, use me daily for Himself. 

I don't want to be this self-absorbed person, drowning in my own stress and self-pity. I don't want to see the problems of the world, the people who need to know Him, and say, "Well, someone else that will be better qualified can take care of that." I want to live out His will. I want to find meaning in life. I want to live every day to the fullest now, whether I'm where I thought I should be, wanted to be, or thought God wanted me to be now or not. Because the truth is, I can't wait. I could be gone tomorrow. Do I want to tell God, "Sorry, I hadn't gotten exactly where I needed to be yet to be able to serve You?" Because last I checked, God wanted us to drop everything and start serving Him exactly where we were. 

Yes, I want to see a change in my country. I want to see it turn to God. I want to see that change, that impact God can make in the world. But I desperately want it to start in me. I can't expect God to use me to change other's hearts if I refuse to be open to letting Him change mine. 

I know I'll probably stumble. I'm afraid I might very easily tumble back into apathy. But if anyone else reading this is also sick of apathy, sick of following themselves before following God, then hold me accountable. We can do this together. 

I want to dig deeper into the Bible, really study it, and hear God speaking to me again. I want to pray to Him like I'm praying to a friend, seeking His advice and guidance and encouragement. I want to listen and hear His voice once more. I want to live out what I learn. I want to follow Him. I want to let go of my pride, turn from my sin, turn to God, and pray for my country. I want to see that change in me, and I want to see it in my country. This is my prayer. 

Please, God, give us the strength to just forget ourselves every once and a while, and focus on You.

A Spirit of Power, Love, and a Sound Mind

The sermon I listened to in church this morning dealt with 2 Timothy 1, especially verse 7, in which Paul lists three things that can encourage and empower us, if we let them. They are great reminders of what our walk with God should look like, if we rest in faith, rather than allow fear to take over. I had to write some of the memorable ideas from this sermon down because I don't want to forget, and I wanted to write down my own thoughts about how the verses apply to me and others.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 

2 Timothy 1:7

1. Power-- In Christ, I have the strength to face my circumstances. He has my back. He is always beside me, strengthening me. The One who conquered sin and death is for me, so what have I to fear?

2. Love-- I have God's unconditional, immeasurable love, and God gives me the ability to love others. I don't need to be afraid of being unloved, for He loves me even when I am unlovable. I don't need to be afraid to love, either. His love heals and fills emptiness. I can love others who are also unlovable, just as He loved me.

3. A sound mind-- He gives clarity, peace. I don't have to be confused and lost and overwhelmed. I don't have to feel "unsound." I don't have to rely on my own limited understanding or trust my own twisted thoughts. He heals, He eases troubled minds, and He "uncomplicates" matters, making things plain.

Certainty in Uncertainty: Two Types of Fear

The other day I overheard part of a conversation my coworker was having with my boss. She was in the back doing dishes and I was out front, so I only caught snatches of what they were saying, but the main point was clear. She'd encountered someone or a group of people discussing the book of Revelation, and God's judgment. In the end, she mentioned the fear of God, stating that to have a fearful God and a loving God was a contradiction and He could not possess both attributes. "You can't have both fear and love," she claimed.

This immediately got me thinking. Honestly, I was taken aback, because to me, it was one of the most basic principles about God and I didn't understand how someone else couldn't grasp it. Then again, maybe it's a lot more complex when you stop and really think about it, especially when you haven't been learning about it for over a decade.

The first thought that came to my mind was parenting and my own father. Throughout my early childhood years, I greatly loved and feared my father. He held authority and power; if I disobeyed, I knew he could punish me and I would be miserable. Did the fact that my acting out could rightly earn punishment from him cause me not to love him? No. Did the fact that I loved him and knew he loved me cause me to reason and say, "Oh, he won't punish me, there's nothing to fear." Definitely not. I might have still misbehaved...children will be children!..but when my mother reminded me that my dad would be home from work later and would take care of matters, I quickly regretted my misdeeds.

God continued to bring this topic to my attention, as my Bible study described reverent fear in its lesson for today. There is a difference between reverent fear born out of respect, and miserable fear born out of terror and uncertainty. In one aspect, you at least respect, if not love, the person you know is in authority over you. In the second, you probably despise whatever holds power over you, and might even question its right to such power and authority. One brings healthy obedience, another breeds paralysis. One can still nurture love, peace, and comfort--the other only carries suffering.

And here's a fact I read in my Bible study that really jumped out at me (I'll paraphrase): There is a fear that is freeing, and there is a fear that enslaves.

One of the most beloved and well-known hymns, "Amazing Grace", contrasts these two types of fear:

Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved

The first describes the reverence we hold for God, recognizing that He is holy and would be just to deal out punishment for our wrongdoings. It causes us to recognize when we are wrong and turn from evil. It is healthy, and consequentially, allowed the second line to come true: John Newton's miserable, terrified fear was relieved. He no longer feared damnation, for one, but we could add all sorts of other fears to the list that he found unnecessary after he placed his trust in God.

After all, if we have the healthy kind of fear for God, knowing He is a loving and just parent, we know that He is powerful. Powerful enough not just to punish us and teach us to do right, but powerful enough to punish those who afflict us, powerful enough to be in control of our lives when everything seems to be in chaos and we know we have no control at all.

Life is completely uncertain, and fear is a very real part of it. However, there is only one fear that brings peace and freedom. It allows us the certainty that God is working good (Romans 8:28), no matter the circumstances, because He is powerful enough. Because He is worthy of respect. Which type of fear are you allowing to rule over your life?

A Time to Rest

Today, I listened to a short message about Mary and Martha. It's a story I've heard many times but I'm not sure if it has ever struck me quite the same way it struck me today. It's a pretty familiar message: Jesus was about to visit the two sisters, and Martha rushed about to prepare everything for Jesus' arrival, trying to ensure that all was perfect (I swear she is the older sibling here!!!) while Mary went and sat at Jesus' feet to listen to Him teach.

Usually my reaction has been: "Well, duh, of course Mary chose the better option. She's with Jesus. Martha needs to get with it!" Or I might have thought about how easy it is to get distracted, but perhaps I didn't feel like I was that busy. Even if I did, the message seemed like something I could nod my head at but then pass over. Something for another day, maybe, when I felt like my circumstances fit it more.

Well, I guess they do now. Ironically, I probably have more free time now than I have had in years. It's picked up since December (thank God for that) but I still have plenty of time to sit around and wonder what in the heck I'm going to do with my life. I have time to worry about the future, worry about whether or not I will make the right choices, worry about whether I should move or stay, worry about whether I should move now or later, worry about whether my friends think this or that, worry about the food I just ate, worry about the fact that I think I should run more, worry about the extra time that I feel like I should fill productively, worry about whether I will ever amount to anything, worry about... OK, I think you get the idea. There's a lot of time to think right now. Especially with all of the changes I've been going through.

In the same week, I lost my first job, which I'd held on to for almost exactly 5 years, and graduated college early. I'd thought that I would be able to stay at my job for a little while after, until someone was trained to replace me and I had secured a decent job. I'd thought that the company I'd interned with for months really meant to hire me on as a freelance editor and pay me, even if it would start out as a very small, lower-paying sort of job, so that I could at least gain experience and kick off my career. But I found out right after Thanksgiving that the pizza store I worked at was closing in a couple weeks, and then I went for week after week without being able to contact the company that had supposedly just hired me. Graduation and my little celebration ended, and Christmas shopping and preparations and celebrations helped keep me a bit busier, but I quickly became bored. I'd gone from working and going to school and tackling homework and life, to just...tackling life.

I went from feeling productive, like I was doing something with my life, to starting to feel worthless and like a failure. My career plans fell through when my "job" with my publishing company came to a screeching and infuriating end. I settled for a part-time job at a pastry shop, doing something similar to what I'd done all through high school and college. A part-time job helped to keep me from going completely batty with all the extra free time, but it didn't really keep me busy. It still doesn't.

So I started to fill my time. Desperately. Any time a friend was free, or any time I thought one might be free, I leapt at the chance to make plans. I started to write again. I read. I ran. Anything to make me feel like I was doing something. None of these things are bad in and of themselves; most I am thankful for having more time to devote to because they are all important to me in different ways.

But today I realized I was being a Martha, doing whatever I could to avoid time to "be still" and meditate. Selfishly, and faithlessly, I tend to worry and wonder what I'm going to do if I give myself too much free time to think. My attitude needs to change. I need to sit at Jesus' feet like Mary, and not be afraid of free time...as long as I spend more of it with Jesus. God gave me this time for a reason. I can choose to grow in Him, or I can choose to make myself as busy as I can.

It's refreshing to know that I don't have to be busy. After college, it's hard to wrap my mind around the idea that I can be just as--or more--productive when I'm not doing as much. As long as I don't let that "not doing as much" become just another way to pass the time, or waste it with worrying--that's just another form of "busyness" without productivity. I need less doing, less frantic goal-setting and perfectionism and anxious aspirations, and more trusting. I need to choose that good thing: to trust, to listen, to--can I truly grasp this?--rest. 

There Are No Coincidences

There's a college-age adult fellowship group I've been attending since fall now that has been a huge encouragement in my life. The man who hosts it in his home, Ron, has a passion for God that truly inspires. One of his favorite things to point out is that with God, there are no coincidences. It's funny how I have known that in my head and probably said it who knows how many times myself, but perhaps haven't begun to grasp it as fully before as I've started to now.

One incident that really has struck this home to me was the fact that one evening our group decided to go around and pray for certain people on each of the group members' minds, people we felt we needed to connect or reconnect with, whether they were Christians or not. Perhaps the connection would help draw them to God, or perhaps it would be mutually beneficial. Either way, if we felt led to contact that person for whatever reason, Ron encouraged us to do so. After all, he also likes to point out the fact that relationships are one of the most important things we can cultivate, because those are the things that last.

That evening brought someone to mind that I haven't thought of as much lately as I have in the past. Someone that had all but walked out of my life, leaving much hurt behind. I'd prayed for over two years for her, not agreeing with all of her decisions, especially her choice to turn her back on the God she'd claimed to believe in once before, but continuing to love her. Time and the different paths we'd taken in life had pulled us further apart. I sometimes texted her to wish her a merry Christmas or a happy day on other holidays, but we didn't really "keep up." I didn't feel led to necessarily contact her myself--I'd started to feel that that was more her job, that my duty was to keep praying and being there if she ever wanted/needed me. I wanted to show her God's love but I wasn't going to chase after her, especially when I didn't feel I should appear as if I approved of her choices. It was an uncertain position to be in at times, but now, after all this time, I was so busy with my life, my friends' lives, and the prayer requests I had for myself and the ones they had for themselves, that I rarely remembered to pray for her. She just wasn't really a part of my life anymore. Well, I asked for prayer to remember her, and I did at least remember to pray a few times over the course of the next several days, but it easily slipped from my mind as time passed once more.

It was maybe a week and a half later when I received a text from her. Imagine my surprise to see her name show up on my screen! She said she was going to be in town the next weekend and wanted to find time to meet with me. Naturally, I agreed. I was blown away. God had just recently brought her to my mind, and here she was, reaching out to me. I knew He had a reason for this and that I needed to see her, even if it was just to chat casually over coffee.

The next weekend was an interesting one. I asked for prayer from just about any Christian friend I had regular contact with because I really, really wanted God to be all over this. I felt like my walls had been built up high, that I'd become numb enough over time to not be too upset or worked up over the situation, but I still could feel some nerves. That night I started to get antsy, and then--bam!--I felt the old hurts return. For the first time in longer than I could even remember, I began to cry over it. Honestly, my emotions were so jumbled and seemed to sneak up on me so quickly that I'm not 100% sure why, whether it was mostly because I felt hurt and was selfishly crying for myself, or if I was crying out of concern for her and grieving over her decisions too. Either way, I was partially glad that the pain was coming back, even just temporarily, because I believed it would help me keep her fresh in my mind and pray for her more often.

Meeting with her the next morning went well. She even mentioned that she was going to church that morning with her family because her father wanted her to attend the Sunday school he was teaching, and then her younger brother was singing during the service. Just the fact that she was ready to attend, whatever the reasons behind it, encouraged me and brought me hope. God was listening. He was working, even if during all that time I couldn't see it and had a hard time being patient and persistent. I don't know what the long term effects of my seeing her that day might be, but I don't believe that that was a coincidence either. God gave me that chance, even if it was just to chat with her casually about life and see what was going on. Maybe just showing up and showing that I cared would be a witness. I don't know. But it definitely helped me, reminding me of my continued love for her and that God is working. There are no coincidences. And thank God that He keeps working even when we lose hope and fall asleep instead of continue to pray!

The Gardener

Recently, while I was visiting a friend's church, her pastor said something that struck home for me. He had the congregation open up to Genesis and read about Eden. He pointed out how God first planted a garden for men to dwell in before placing Adam there. God took on the role of a gardener and prepared the place Adam and Eve belonged, making sure it was suitable, before ever bringing them to that spot. God cares about us that much; He wants the very best for us and will dedicate time to preparing it, even when, while waiting, we may not see or think He is doing much. Though the pastor mainly related this message to finding a good church home that God had especially prepared for you, I saw the message running deeper than that.

It's something I could find comfort in, the idea that the Gardener is taking all the time He needs to ensure the garden is exactly as I need it before He ever places me there. Life is full of waiting, and it's easy to get discouraged when we are in a transitional period of life. In those times we know we aren't exactly where we belong, that there is something more that God wants us to do, somewhere else He wants us to be, but we haven't reached that place yet. It can be so difficult to be patient and wait on Him. We want God to place us there now. We want to head there immediately and walk in the garden with Him, tend His plants to fulfill our purpose in life, and enjoy the blessings He has prepared for us.

But gardening takes time and care. Do we really want to rush the Gardener? He's planting the trees, nurturing the plants, plucking up the weeds, watering the soil, allowing the blossoms to grow and mature until the garden has reached its height of beauty. He is taking His time so that when He brings us to our place, we are showered with blessings we don't deserve and can better serve Him. We may not see all the work He is doing, but someday, when the time is right and we come to our "garden", we will understand He was thinking about us all along, even when it felt like He wasn't. He is out there "gardening" as we ask Him for answers or signs. He is working for us when we think we're not getting any responses. As we wait, He will teach us to be patient and lean on Him. We learn to grow in trust and our relationship with Him, until, when the garden is ready, we are able to step out in faith to follow Him and fully appreciate the blessings and wonders He has prepared especially for us.

All Things For Good

I was reading in my Bible study yesterday about Romans 8:28-- "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." In the past, I'd read the verse and I'd seen in it a promise that God was always working something good out of every situation, even the darkest trials or the most puzzling, seemingly pointless of circumstances. When I felt upset or as if my life was going nowhere, I could take heart and see that God had a plan--a good one. However, this Bible study really had me take a new look at the word "good."

When the author pointed out other verses about what God considers good, such as loving and obeying Him, it caused me to reevaluate exactly what Paul was saying. Of course God has our best interests in mind, but maybe too often we read that verse and think, "Yes, God is going to take this situation and make it something good so that I am happy." But happiness is a shallow type of good--it is like the world's definition of good, where pleasure and wealth and materialism and every other temporary object or feeling you can think of reigns supreme. God wants something greater for us. He wants us to take the trials of life and learn from them. He wants every moment of our lives to draw us closer to Him and form us into the person He wants us to be. He wants every day to have meaning and purpose, not just fleeting, temporary happiness.

The Bible study referred to the story of Joseph and how, though he was betrayed by his brothers and sold into slavery, God used those unimaginably painful circumstances for ultimate good. In the end, Joseph was able to save countless lives because of the important position he rose to in Egypt, one he never would have gained if he had remained in Canaan with his family. The situation was good for Joseph's brothers, too, who came to repent of their cruel deeds.

But this is where I stopped and realized something I guess I'd never fully grasped about the story. Maybe I'd just heard about Joseph so many times that I tended to gloss over a very important fact. What about the good that God had done within Joseph? As the "hero" of the story, we tend to read about him as the victim, the poor boy who was hated by his brothers. Naturally, the hero would then save his brothers' lives and forgive them...right? But could I imagine being in Joseph's circumstances and forgiving my brothers for hating and plotting to kill me? For selling me into slavery, ripping me away from my beloved father and younger brother, sending me into a foreign land with strange people and gods?

Forgiving his brothers for such acts would have been amazing enough for someone who already had a strong character and faith in God. Clearly, God had been working good--moral, character-building, spiritual good--inside Joseph. Then I considered Joseph's childhood, being the spoiled, favored child of his father. Sometimes we read the verses describing Joseph back then, knowing that he is about to be victimized, knowing that he had no control over Jacob's unfair favoritism, and see him as innocent. But Joseph didn't just dream prophetic dreams, he rubbed them in his brothers' faces. This gives us a picture of a spoiled, prideful brat--far from the mature, forgiving man Joseph later becomes.

These thoughts really changed my perspective of Romans 8:28, as well as the story of Joseph. God utilized Joseph's trials to pull him to Himself, to cause Joseph to grow in faith and love to the point that he humbled himself and forgave the men who most deeply hurt him in his life. God used bad circumstances to transform Joseph from an arrogant child to a humble, faithful man. This couldn't be more evident than in the fact that Joseph didn't just forgive and save his brothers' lives. He went the extra mile. He could have very easily forgiven and fed them and then held all but his father and Benjamin at a distance, but he did not. He "kissed all his brothers and wept over them, and after that his brothers talked with him" (Genesis 45:15). He restored his relationship with his brothers--or, since they never had much of a relationship, perhaps the better word would be that he renewed it. For perhaps the first time ever in their lives, they all truly became brothers.

Young Joseph probably thought that the best "good" for his life would be for his strange dreams to come true and lift him to the heights his proud mind aspired to gain. He would have imagined staying with his father and Benjamin, growing up among familiar faces in Canaan, accepting a broken relationship with the rest of his brothers. God had something better in mind.

God's Promises

On January 1st, as I began 2012 and wondered where this year will end up taking me, I had much on my mind. I still do. There are so many fears centered on the future right now as I wonder where I am meant to be, if I will manage to get there, and if that place is somewhere far from where I know my desires are. Will my desires line up with God's, or are my dreams totally different from His? Will I have to say goodbye to some of the people and things I care about the most? Will I have to face my greatest fears, give up my dearest dreams? I've known all the while that I should trust God more, that wherever He takes me will be the best place I can ever be and that His plans far exceed any I could ever make. But still, doubts plague me. I fear the possibility of temporary hurt and loss so much that I struggle to see beyond that, to the bigger picture, where I will someday find purpose and peace and joy in the place that He has for me.

I listened to a sermon that Sunday on anxiety and giving it to God. I knew immediately that this was something I needed to hear and apply to my life. All my anxieties were causing needless stress. As the pastor said, they were also a sign that I was turning to myself rather than to God. I was, in essence, trying to handle my own problems and asking myself what I would do about them, rather than giving them to God and seeing what He would do about them.

When the service ended, with those words still sinking into my heart, my friends and I walked out of church to see a rainbow lighting up the sky before us. It came as quite a surprise since, to my knowledge, we hadn't had any rain that morning. As I took in the sight, I remembered God's promise to Noah to never flood the earth again, and that the rainbow would be His reminder. Seeing this rainbow now at the beginning of 2012, I took it as a reminder that all of God's promises still stand, not just the one He gave to Noah thousands of years ago. If He had kept that promise and continued to place rainbows in the sky for us throughout generations of humans that continued to sin and rebel and blaspheme His name, He would faithfully keep the rest of His promises, too. There are so many in the Bible telling us that He will help us through whatever we face, reminding us that He has good plans for our futures.

This reminder was such an encouragement as I started what feels like, to this date, the most uncertain year of my life. After having all of these set plans in the past (focus on English, write, graduate high school, go to college, find an internship, graduate college) and nurturing various dreams for the future (become an editor, publish books, be near my family, continue to remain close to my Christian friends, have a family of my own), I had finally reached a stage in my life in which I felt at a loss. What was the next step? Would I somehow miss God's plan? How long would I have to wait to know what it was? Would it take me where I wanted to go, or would my vision and His be different? And how different would they be...just a little, or enough to rip away all the hopes I'd held close for so long?

I didn't feel patient then and I don't feel patient now as I continue to wait for Him to guide my way. I still have fears and doubts, still struggle with trusting that whatever I might lose will be nothing compared to what I will gain in His plans. But I know that He has a great plan for me, and that He is faithful to keep His promises to us. It's this knowledge that encourages me, and helps ease my fear and strengthen what small store of patience I have.