On January 1st, as I began 2012 and wondered where this year will end up taking me, I had much on my mind. I still do. There are so many fears centered on the future right now as I wonder where I am meant to be, if I will manage to get there, and if that place is somewhere far from where I know my desires are. Will my desires line up with God's, or are my dreams totally different from His? Will I have to say goodbye to some of the people and things I care about the most? Will I have to face my greatest fears, give up my dearest dreams? I've known all the while that I should trust God more, that wherever He takes me will be the best place I can ever be and that His plans far exceed any I could ever make. But still, doubts plague me. I fear the possibility of temporary hurt and loss so much that I struggle to see beyond that, to the bigger picture, where I will someday find purpose and peace and joy in the place that He has for me.
I listened to a sermon that Sunday on anxiety and giving it to God. I knew immediately that this was something I needed to hear and apply to my life. All my anxieties were causing needless stress. As the pastor said, they were also a sign that I was turning to myself rather than to God. I was, in essence, trying to handle my own problems and asking myself what I would do about them, rather than giving them to God and seeing what He would do about them.
When the service ended, with those words still sinking into my heart, my friends and I walked out of church to see a rainbow lighting up the sky before us. It came as quite a surprise since, to my knowledge, we hadn't had any rain that morning. As I took in the sight, I remembered God's promise to Noah to never flood the earth again, and that the rainbow would be His reminder. Seeing this rainbow now at the beginning of 2012, I took it as a reminder that all of God's promises still stand, not just the one He gave to Noah thousands of years ago. If He had kept that promise and continued to place rainbows in the sky for us throughout generations of humans that continued to sin and rebel and blaspheme His name, He would faithfully keep the rest of His promises, too. There are so many in the Bible telling us that He will help us through whatever we face, reminding us that He has good plans for our futures.
This reminder was such an encouragement as I started what feels like, to this date, the most uncertain year of my life. After having all of these set plans in the past (focus on English, write, graduate high school, go to college, find an internship, graduate college) and nurturing various dreams for the future (become an editor, publish books, be near my family, continue to remain close to my Christian friends, have a family of my own), I had finally reached a stage in my life in which I felt at a loss. What was the next step? Would I somehow miss God's plan? How long would I have to wait to know what it was? Would it take me where I wanted to go, or would my vision and His be different? And how different would they be...just a little, or enough to rip away all the hopes I'd held close for so long?
I didn't feel patient then and I don't feel patient now as I continue to wait for Him to guide my way. I still have fears and doubts, still struggle with trusting that whatever I might lose will be nothing compared to what I will gain in His plans. But I know that He has a great plan for me, and that He is faithful to keep His promises to us. It's this knowledge that encourages me, and helps ease my fear and strengthen what small store of patience I have.
