Thursday, August 29, 2013

In the Background: The Life of the Stereotypical Lone Writer/Editor

One of the most hated and sometimes even painful aspects of my career as an English major in college was the constant “Oh, so you’re going to be a teacher?” question. “No,” I’d respond in annoyance. With enthusiasm in my voice (at least at first), I would explain to them my dream of becoming an editor and writer. More than once I’d watch the questioner’s eyes glaze over or see the blank look that clearly echoed their thoughts: “Wow, what a boring career choice,” “I know nothing about editing,” “You’ll be living on Ramen noodles the rest of your life or working at Meijer with that kind of dream,” or “I don’t know of any great editors who have made a big impact on people’s lives.” It was rare to get an interested reaction from someone who actually understood.

We writers and editors often find ourselves pushed back out of the limelight. Maybe we’re even misunderstood. Others don’t always point to us and say, “He’s going to change people’s lives someday with the words he writes” or “She’s going to edit a book and help a great writer achieve renown and spread an important message.” We’re the loners: stereotyped as always cooped up in our bedrooms pounding away at a keyboard or scribbling upon page after page of manuscripts with the dreaded red pen. Everyone has a favorite teacher who influenced their lives in some way, modeled great character, or assisted them with finding their career path.

Who has a favorite editor? And even favorite writers are generally loved for what they produce versus who they are. For instance, I love Jane Austen’s work. But I’ve never met her. I can only imagine that she had the type of witty, clever personality that radiates throughout her work, but maybe in person she was awkward, stuttering, and shy. Who can say?

Basically, writers and editors live in the background. We may know writer’s names but we don’t consider their career choice as practical or even, necessarily, important. In a world where everyone Tweets about the latest wins of their favorite football teams, updates their Facebook statuses to ask about the most recent movie release, and goes home every night to their prerecorded episodes of their favorite TV shows, why is a writer important? Everyone needs a teacher on their path to finding that job they’ll make a living from. But do we need editors that much? Writers? Who really thinks about that?

And how people perceive us isn’t our only struggle in the literary world. What if that book you edit doesn’t make the bestseller list? Or maybe you pour blood, sweat, and tears into a book only to publish it to an enthralled and moved audience of a handful of people. You felt compelled to share something that tugs at your heartstrings, but your book is left to collect dust on shelves and be forgotten while others talks about the other things or people around them that changed their life, their minds, and their attitude. Do we strive to produce good literature for nothing?

The answer, for me, is to remember why I chose writing and editing in the first place, outside of my love for the two. Our motives can’t revolve around making a name for ourselves, if we want to experience success and satisfaction in our pursuits. We have to have a passion about what we’re sharing. We have to believe it’s worth it, no matter if one person or millions read the words we spread.

I remember the books that have influenced my life, my thoughts, and my perspective. A teacher or doctor or engineer might make more tangible differences in the world, but we writers and editors are there in the background giving them a hand. We’re there in the textbooks we write or edit for the teachers. We’re there in the guidebooks that offer direction. We’re there in the books parents read to children at bedtime. We’re there in the dictionaries that make communication clearer and more effective. We’re there in the fictional novels and the literature others discuss and draw ideas from or pick “role model” characters to look up to. We’re there in the thoughts and ideas and agendas we put into words.

It’s not about us. In fact, sometimes it may be best if we remain in the background, less “known,” for the sake of promoting our words all the more. We like J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis, Jane Austen and Charles Dickens, and even J.K. Rowling and Susan Collins (whether you consider The Hunger Games “literary” or not), rarely because we know their names or read news or biographies about them, but usually because we know their messages. Their books contain ideas that inspire us or make us think, or characters and morals that motivate us to be better. In some way, what they wrote has influenced us.

It may not be in a very tangible way (how can you measure the impact you have on someone’s mind or heart?), it may bear some loneliness or bad stereotypes, it may keep us “in the background,” but language is influential. Whether he actually said them or not, Abraham Lincoln’s alleged words during the Civil War to Harriet Beecher Stowe, author of Uncle Tom’s Cabin, serve as a rallying cry to authors: “So this is the little lady who started this big war.” Who is to say that your book, whether it makes an impact on the world, a nation, or just a handful of people, isn’t important? If it’s important to you, someone else is bound to glean something valuable from it.


So maybe coping with this “lone writer” syndrome involves in changing our perspectives and priorities. Maybe our definition of success shouldn’t be founded in what others think or say about us or even what we write. Our success lies not in who knows our names or how many people know our works, but in whether or not we share our messages.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Will I Ever Learn?

Lately a group of friends and I read through a book on finding our confidence in God to conquer self-doubts, worry, and inner self-esteem battles, etc. To grow in His grace to have the strength to live for Him, rather than be crippled with fear. We've all noticed progress over the past few months and have learned to have each other's backs and go to one another for prayer and encouragement in our daily battles and attempts to grow closer to God.

Sometimes, it feels like it's a one step forward, two steps backwards kind of process.

Especially today.

Today I woke up early to get in some extra time for my stay-at-home part-time job because I had to squeeze in 8 hours and schedule a last-minute doctor appointment. I got a hold of the receptionist to set my appointment for that day. On my way, I noticed that my car's temperature was registering unusually high...the needle continued to move until it buried itself into the red "danger zone." Fortunately, I had reached the doctor's office by then so I pulled my car into a parking spot and decided to worry about it later. First thing was to get to my appointment on time!

Afterward I turned on my car to check the temperature and found that it had cooled enough in that time for me to be able to start the drive home. I was already in pain and frustrated about having my work "momentum"/schedule out of whack, so I was in a hurry to get home and finish. After the doctor had touched my toe (red, painful, and swollen for three days and the reason for my visit), driving was making it feel as if the pain was shooting up into my leg and if I accidentally brushed it while driving I wanted to cry out miserably. I was trapped behind a slow car; my engine temperature was rapidly gaining speed; I just wanted to make it home.

Halfway home the needle was nearly on red and I was near a gas station, so I pulled in to turn off the engine and let the car cool. I popped the hood to check my coolant level and sure enough, it was empty. If I was going to be delayed from work further anyway, I might as well solve the problem now, so I went in to purchase a bottle of coolant. I already felt self-conscious--I figured a young girl (who looks more like 18 or even 15 than 23, as I'm always so very kindly reminded) standing beside a 2-door Ford Focus with the hood open, surveying the blazing hot furnace that was her engine had to make a pathetic scene. However, I navigated the gas station quickly and made it back outside to open the bottle without any pestering men condescending to ask if I needed help.

I was relieved. That's the last thing I wanted. For some reason, that stubborn, independent streak in me was really strong today. I didn't want to be the 5'3", 100-something pound, 18-year-old-looking blonde girl who "must need help." Eager to prove I was fully capable, I strode up to my engine and used what resource I had readily available--the receipt for my purchase--to serve as a barrier between the coolant reservoir cap and my hand as I began to unscrew it.

Unscrew the cap, don't mind the heat, pour the coolant, screw the cap back on...go home. No big deal. Except...the cap wouldn't budge. I tried. And tried. And tried.

I started to feel humiliated. "You can't do anything right on your own," "You're not capable," "You can't make it on your own," "You can't be independent because you're not strong enough," "Look--a cap has defeated you; you're pathetic." The thoughts flew so fast that they didn't even register as clear, distinct sentences but a general feeling of inadequacy, shame, frustration, bitterness, pain, and finally anger.

At this point, I was way too obstinate to walk up to a man on the premises and ask for help. I'm trying to prove to the world that I don't need a man, was my repeated thought. I didn't want to need anyone or be dependent on anyone. After years of singleness and a nagging (but loving) mother prodding me on and hosts of other reasons to make me want to shy away or get nauseous at the mere thought of romance, the last thing I wanted was another reason why being alone and lonely with no way to solve that problem sucks.

I don't want to be a damsel in distress. I don't want to admit that the pain has been digging deeper and deeper over years, like a thorn sinking into the skin until the area affected with pain has grown far larger than the original wound ever was and an infection spreads throughout the body. And I don't want to be stereotyped and pre-judged anymore as the small, nearly-invisible, inadequate, "dumb blonde." But how could I prove myself as strong and capable to anyone when I couldn't even open a cap? Struggles that had been plaguing me for a lifetime sprang out at me immediately, like a monster stalking me in the shadows just waiting the right moment.

Instead, I slammed the hood and rushed to the sanctuary of my car (limping a bit in pain--just to add to the overall look of ineptitude), letting a few pathetic tears slip down my cheeks. My mother was texting me not-very-helpful advice until finally she asked if she and my dad should come down to help.

Then she called. I tried to re-explain the situation to my dad when she passed him the phone, but my dad and I have major communication issues. He grew impatient with my attempts at answering his questions and told me to "wait for a boy to ask" and that "anyone could do it."

Anyone but me. His words were sharpening my thoughts: I was incompetent. Great. I couldn't take it anymore. The last thing I wanted now was their help, or anyone's.

Tearfully I told both my parents that I was just going to drive home, and hung up the phone before my mom could protest. Now I wasn't just frustrated. I was furious. Pulling out of the gas station, I cursed to myself, not caring about finding confidence in God, not caring about being encouraged or being an encouragement. I was too busy writhing in my own self-pity and disgust.

As I look back on it I see a ridiculous failure. My behavior was embarrassing. I let any semblances of godly peace, confidence, joy, trust, and love all depart from me. Will I ever learn?

What gives me hope is the fact that, though perhaps today was a "two steps back" kind of day, I also have the ability to take a step forward with God. Because I'm seeing my failures. Because I'm recognizing them for what they are. Because I know that they don't make me a failure. He gives grace.

He is enough.

"God can't open caps for me, so how can He be everything?" is a bitter thought that sprang to mind more than once today. It echoes speeches I've heard a single friend tell me dozens of times after living alone for years, attempting to do everything on her own even when she isn't physically capable to do some of it. She has tasted the same despair and frustration I felt today tenfold. We don't want to be dependent on others, but we feel like we're forced to be. My parents came down to my apartment this afternoon after I made it home to look at my car and fill it with coolant...because I needed them even when I didn't want to need them.

I can't do everything on my own.

Maybe I should find peace in that instead of despair. Is it frustrating at times when I so often am on my own these days?

Oh, yes.

But God provided for me today. He sent me loving parents who apologized for saying things that hurt me, who came in spite of my angry, "don't-you-dare-help-me" attitude displayed by hanging up on them. He surrounds me with friends who encouraged and prayed for me today when I didn't feel well, when I found fear and worry consuming me instead of trusting God to take care of my problems, to allow me to make it home and finish a day's work and do it well so I can continue to pay for food and rent.

Will we ever learn that we don't need to be stubborn and independent? That it's OK to be vulnerable at times? That it's OK to need Someone when we are struggling or lonely or incapable...because we need God.