"For I, the LORD your God, will hold your right hand, saying to you, 'Fear not, I will help you.'"
This verse is a promise, and more and more I've come to realize how true it is. The fact is, life isn't easy, never has been easy, and never will be easy. This fact doesn't change for you whether you believe in God or not. Life is life. Another fact is that no matter how hard we pray, how much we expect God to just magically make our lives perfect, He doesn't work that way. One, people have free will and He will never interfere with that. Unfortunately, people have a tendency to be stupid and make choices that not only affect themselves but also others around them. Two, there is always purpose we can't see, and if it weren't for hardship, the good times in life wouldn't be quite so sweet.
My best friend found this verse to be encouraging and happened to mention it to me back in January 2008, a few days before my grandma was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer. When I first heard the news, I have to admit I got really angry and didn't see the point in talking to God or touching my Bible.
My grandma had been a nurse for years. Energetic, tough, brave, fun...someone I look up to and love very much. Trying to wrap my head around the idea that my dear grandma had cancer felt surreal. I couldn't understand why God would let something like that happen. I kept asking "Why?" as if I expected God to speak to me right there in my room and list His plans for the future. As if somehow I knew better than God, or I could understand His ways.
But God didn't let me just shove Him aside that easily. The Bible verse Julie had told me about and I'd pushed to the back of my mind suddenly came back, and I decided to open my Bible and read it again. I figured it couldn't hurt to check it out.
Fear not. He would help me and hold my hand. It made me think of a father holding his little toddler's hand, and protecting, comforting, and loving his child. And as I prayed, I could see God holding my hand, and most importantly, holding my grandma's hand as she walked through this dark period of her life.
He held us all the whole way through, no doubt about it. He was with my grandma through the chemotherapy, the raditation, the surgery, the tests, the waiting, the hurt...the chaos of emotions. He was with my family as we waited and waited, and we couldn't visit her for fear of bringing germs into her house when she was weak. He was with my grandparents as they prayed together at night, with my family as we sought healing for my grandma, with my grandma as she read the Bible and trusted that God was with her. He was with me as my silly heart asked, "Why?" of the God of the universe.
It never occurred to me that, in my lifetime, He would answer my angry, hurt question I repeated over and over that first night: "Why?" That fall my grandmother had to have surgery, and my mom ended up being the only family member who could donate blood for her. She went to Columbus to give blood, only to hear that she was so anemic her blood was "worthless" and she should schedule a doctor appointment right away.
After weeks of various appointments and tests trying to pinpoint the problem, the doctor suggested that my mom get a hysterectomy. It was nothing major; obviously it's an operation that occurs all the time these days. A doctor had suggested this to my mom a few years before and she'd decided to wait. Once again, it wasn't anything urgent. My mom considered it for a while before determining she might as well get it over with. She went through the surgery, and my family took turns visiting her in the hospital until she could come home.
It was rough seeing her lying, sick and exhausted, in a hospital bed. I remember the first time I visited her; she was so ill whatever drug they had her on at the time she could barely speak. Her hair was in a tousled mess behind her head because none of the nurses had bothered to do anything for her in that respect. It's weird seeing your mother in a condition like that. Something inside my gut twisted in pain to see her so miserable. I lifted her head and tried to brush her hair as best I could, so she could feel semi-human again.
After a couple days she was released to recover at home (her surgery had been more intense than most hysterectomies), and we put the surgery behind us as no big deal. Time passed and my mom visited the doctor so he could make sure the healing process was going all right and inform her how the surgery had gone.
When my mom came home that day, she gave me the strangest look before telling me to come downstairs so we could all talk as a family. I knew something was up. She seemed shaken and quiet as my dad explained to my brothers and me that the doctor had told my mom that she'd had cancer, a rare type that about 700 other women in the world had been diagnosed with up to that time. This type always started in the uterus before spreading throughout the body.
And they'd caught it just in time. Even my mom's surgeon had said it was a miracle.
But he didn't even know the half of it. It hit me with full force once I'd had time to digest this news. The surgery had removed all of my mom's cancer--the surgery she wouldn't have had...if my grandma had never been diagnosed with cancer. God took her suffering and my family's suffering, and gave us a miracle. Out of the worst of situations, He gave us something to rejoice over.
When my mom recovered, she began running, something she hadn't been able to do before. Anemia and frequent sickness had held her back. She signed up for a local 5K, and the woman who hadn't been able to run a mile without stopping not long before, won second place in her age group. My mother is a walking--no, a running :) --miracle.
Today, I have a grandma who is still cancer-free, back at work and preparing for retirement, and a mom who loves to run whenever she can. They are both miracles and I thank God that He healed them. How can I ever forget God's faithfulness when I have witnessed this? How is it that I am so forgetful as to fear the future or doubt God's love? He doesn't always give us the answers to our Whys, but there are reasons, whether we see them in this life or not. I couldn't begin to know all the reasons behind why my grandma battled cancer, anyway, but just knowing that God was there and seeing that He was working is enough.
God doesn't stop pain. But no matter what, we never need to fear, because He is always there, holding our hand, helping us through it all, whatever happens. Somehow, in the craziest of ways, He can even turn the bad into good. Isaiah 41:13 always reminds me of this, and how God has never broken that promise.
