Prayer

I'm not just thankful for the fact that I can go to God in prayer on my own, though that is a huge blessing in and of itself, obviously. Just having the ability to approach God at any time of day, to cry out for help, to seek His help or guidance, to thank and praise Him, to feel His love, is a beautiful gift. But in addition to the wonder of just being able to spend soothing moments alone with Him is the incredible blessing of being able to spend time with Him with friends.

I love that God has placed great Christians in my life, that His people are always encouraged and built up and renewed when they seek God together, and just fellowship with one another. Group prayer has become a much larger part in my life than it ever was before. Whether I'm just praying with one friend, or a whole circle of people, I can feel God's power and presence, sometimes even more strongly than I feel it when on my own. I guess there are just different dynamics to public and private worship: there are lovely, intimate times when you are alone with Him, and then there are glorious periods when you are with friends and His love fills you, overflowing from your heart and pouring out to others around you. Sometimes His love feels so much greater when you're not only seeking to love Him back, but love His children around you as well.

It's also a treasure to know that I have friends who have my back with prayer. My church family prays for me, my friends pray for me. Sometimes I know they're off remembering me in their private prayer time, other times I am able to sit with them as they pray for me and let their comforting words wash over me. It's also a great moment to feel God's love and express your love for a friend when you can sit down and pray for them yourself, too.

Some of my dearest worship moments have come when I've been with friends, when they are seeking and loving God with me. When we are loving each other. We pour out our hearts to God and to each other; we worship with tears or with off-key songs and we are not ashamed. We are together and yet we are alone with God. We pray and He is near to us, and we grow stronger together. Our bonds grow and we know that it is all because of God's love pulling us together, and our prayer time drawing us close in His Spirit. It's something I don't always spend enough time doing, but yes, I am so grateful for prayer.

God's Presence

In the good times and the bad, a taste of heaven is never far away if I just take the time to seek out to God. Just to soak in His presence, relishing who He is and how much He loves me, offers refreshing, healing moments in the midst of a crazy, trouble-ridden world. I can let go of fear, of worries, of pain, of doubt, and just embrace who He is.

Just to know that the God of the universe cares about me, if I actually take the time to think of it rather than just pass by the fact as a reminder of something I've taken for granted, is overwhelming. It fills me with joy, with peace, with love. In these moments, I have to wonder what heaven will be like. Probably a thousand times greater, but our bodies couldn't even contain that while we are here on earth.

So often I don't take the time to just enjoy Him. I come to Him because I have to, or because I have something to ask of Him. I read His Word almost like I read assigned reading for a class. I focus on myself and my life and all the busy, crazy moments of my days, and ignore the fact that He is with me. But when I finally stop and really spend time with Him, try to return His love in my feeble way, and rest in Him, I am full of thankfulness.

Christian Family

This past Sunday held a new experience for me: attending a Grace Brethren communion and foot washing service. At first, the idea of washing feet just plain weirded me out. For one, I'm not very comfortable with my own feet or with the idea of someone else being close to them, washing them. And two, I wasn't sure if the idea of washing someone else's feet really appealed to me either. Of course, the main reason for this was because I greatly feared that I would be doing this with strangers.

As the time approached, however, I warmed up to it a lot more. I found out that men and women would be separate (washing another woman's feet sounded a bit better to me, I guess), and then my friend informed me that our little group of friends could cluster together and wash one another's feet. No strangers involved.

I have to say, firstly, that there is definitely something humbling not just in washing someone's feet but even in having one's own feet washed. I didn't have many qualms about kneeling before a close friend of mine and splashing water over her feet or drying them with a towel; I guess it felt natural to show care for someone in that way. But it was a little stranger when the moment came for my feet to be washed. As I sat, my feet soaking in a tub of warm, clean water, my friend kneeling before me to splash and rub the water over my feet, I felt like I was being pampered. It was a moment in which I could see the love within the church family. After my friend washed and dried my feet carefully, we embraced and told each other how thankful we were for each other.

Even though I didn't know anyone outside my little circle, I quickly became interested in two women sitting across from me. I couldn't tell from the snippets of conversation I happened to hear when they first caught my attention just how well they knew each other. At first I was under the impression that perhaps they were more acquaintances than friends. Either way, though, I could see the connection between them as they sat and talked, as they washed one another's feet, as they embraced and prayed for one another at the end. All over the room, women and girls washed each other's feet in a sign of humility, love, and service, then hugged, prayed, and chatted.

I am thankful whenever I have experiences like this with other Christians. Even just watching this group of people that I didn't know reminds me how they are still part of my Christian family, that we all still share a common bond. The joy in connecting and fellowshipping with other Christians, with praying and serving one another, with witnessing the love amongst Christians, is a powerful thing. It is just a small reflection of God's love, but where would we be without it?

The God Who Sees

Today I'm thankful for the stories of women like Leah and Hagar, who both found themselves suffering in various ways, who felt invisible at times. Yet the Bible shows how God saw them. He never forgot them. He knew of their hurts when no one else on earth seemed to notice or care, and He reached out to bless them even in the midst of their pain.

I can't imagine how much Leah must have hurt, but even in her painful story, we see hope and blessings from God:

“And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren.”

--Genesis 29:31

In verse 17 of Genesis 29, Leah and Rachel are first described: “Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was beautiful and well favoured.” Although the exact meaning of “tender eyed” is under debate, the overall idea of this verse is painfully clear: Leah was constantly being compared to her sister...and coming up short. When Jacob entered the scene and fell in love with Rachel, Laban’s younger, “well favored” daughter, Leah had undergone years of feeling less than adequate. She had watched her little sister grow up into a beautiful woman. Leah isn’t described as ugly, necessarily, but she probably felt as if she were. Invisible—that is what she was, always standing in the background while her sister received the adoration and attention. Forgotten—just the girl that everyone smiled and spoke to, but never really tried to get to know. As the elder daughter, she was, by tradition, supposed to marry first, but it was Rachel that caught every man’s eye, Rachel that they really wanted.

When Leah became the victim of her father’s scheming and was married off to Jacob in place of Rachel, maybe she felt a semblance of hope at first. Jacob clearly cared for Rachel, but maybe, once Leah was his wife, he would feel an obligation toward her. At the very least, he would have to notice her. She wouldn’t be invisible anymore. Her future was secured; she would have someone to provide for her, maybe—dare she hope it?—someone to look at her with the same adoring gaze that so often settled on Rachel.

But Leah was doomed to forever feel not good enough. Jacob refused to settle for her and her alone; he demanded that Laban give him Rachel in marriage too. Leah desperately wanted the man she had married to care for her, but he couldn’t see her, couldn’t notice her, not when Rachel was in the picture. Leah felt lonely and heartbroken and overlooked when she was alone, or when she watched Jacob and Rachel together; she spent so many nights crying herself to sleep, probably wondering what she had done to deserve this. But often she felt just as lonely, if not worse, when she spent time with Jacob. The look in his eyes always told her his thoughts were elsewhere: on anything but Leah. She knew he was thinking about Rachel, even when she wasn’t around, and that killed Leah inside. She was always overlooked, ignored, forgotten. Even her father hadn’t cared enough to consider the pain that might ensue if Leah married a man who didn’t love her, and especially if she married a man who had a second wife whom he adored.

Leah was the victim of an unrequited love that she could never move on from, get over, or ignore; she was the sufferer of a heartbreak that never ended. Even when she thought maybe, just maybe, she could earn the favor she craved from Jacob when she laid their firstborn son, then second, and even third, in his arms, she met with disappointment. Failure. Hurt.

She wasn’t beautiful enough. She wasn’t good enough. She wasn’t “well favoured.” She wasn’t loved. She was invisible. She was forgotten. But not by God.

"...The LORD saw..."

The same was the case for Hagar, when she ran from the mistreatment of her mistress Sarah. She felt like she was alone, like no one cared, no one saw. She felt used, after having been part of Sarah's plot to procure Abraham a son. She felt despised, because Sarah and Abraham no longer seemed to want her or care for her well-being. She felt desperate, because suddenly she was out on her own, pregnant and despairing, without the home and shelter she had known during her time as Sarah's maid. Where could she turn?

Then God spoke to her, encouraging her and blessing her. He reassured her that He knew of her struggles and hurts, that she was not on her own. He promised her that her unborn child would be blessed as well, not just a worthless outcast as she probably had feared.

What was she thankful for in that moment? The fact that Someone had finally noticed:

Then she called the name of the LORD who spoke to her, You-Are-the-God-Who-Sees; for she said, “Have I also here seen Him who sees me?”

--Genesis 16:13

No matter what we are going through, good times or bad, God is always there. He is always ready to ease our suffering and bless even our difficult circumstances. No matter how alone we might feel, how much it seems others don't care or mistreat us, how often we feel forgotten, overlooked, or invisible, God sees and remembers us.

Peace in His Plans

After some uncertain, doubtful, stressful months, and then an even worse several weeks after that, I've finally begun to feel peace in my circumstances. For a while, I couldn't contemplate the future without feeling overwhelmed, confused, afraid. I didn't know where I would be in even a few months, or what steps I should be taking to plan and prepare now.

Then things seemed to just get even crazier. It felt as if everything was happening at once: the uncertainty didn't leave, and the fear, if anything, compounded. A general feeling of sickness and exhaustion was wearing me down. My moods seemed "off", but I mostly attributed that to stress. Once I was diagnosed with low potassium and hypothyroidism, things began to make sense, but I still needed answers. Learning that I would be on pills for life was, at first, depressing to me. I worried about possible side effects or what it would be like having to worry about a pill for the rest of my life. It probably didn't help that my fears for the future weren't really being eased and my "disorders" caused enough exhaustion and moodiness to let my spirits sink.

Pretty soon I let myself slip into a "low" state. Different things kept happening, giving me new stuff to think about and worry about and feel troubled over. I was tired, I was sad, I was afraid.

As I remembered that God was with me, planning out my future, I began to feel encouraged. I prayed and, even though my emotions might not always have let me feel convinced or assured, my head knew that God would bless my future. He would show me where I was supposed to be, what my purpose was. Sometimes I wasn't exactly sure why I was feeling low, unmotivated, and out of it. I guess life circumstances, being sick, being worn down from stress and busyness, and being uncertain about my future were all just eating at me.

Then, thing began to turn around. God started to let things "fall into place", showing me that, even if I didn't know the details of my future: where I was supposed to be, what exactly I would do, I was starting to see bits and pieces. He was giving me glimpses ahead into the immediate future, enough to encourage me to see that everything was going to be all right. Just as I had known, but hadn't always felt. I was able to speak with my doctor and receive answers to my confused questions. My friends prayed for me, and slowly, I began to feel better. Emotionally, I began to feel hopeful. God was reminding me that He would always provide. I didn't know exactly what His plans were, and there were circumstances in my life I wished were different, and questions and fears I still had about my future. But I knew He was there and that He knew what was best for me. All I can say is, even though there were times I still felt hurt, I felt peace.

I am thankful for God's peace. There are many times from my past that I can look back on and see how God helped me through difficult situations. He was there to comfort me during hurt and to listen to my prayers for guidance, for help. Always, He is in control. I am so thankful that He can bless us with a comforting assurance that, even when we don't know how things will work out or improve, everything is going to be OK. I still don't have all the answers about my future (and of course, who does?). I still don't always like the changes that are taking place (I guess I'm afraid of this "transition" in life and all the things I might lose). I still fear that dreams I have will not materialize. I still hurt over past problems, current struggles, future worries. But God has everything in His hands, and I know, as He has shown me in times past, that He will work even bad circumstances into something good for His children. I'm thankful for this truth, this knowledge, and for the peace that comes with it, if we let it.

Being Respected

I recently had an experience that struck me deeply, so deeply that it has been lingering in my mind for days and weeks now, sinking still more deeply into my heart. I've pondered it, wondered at it, and learned from it. It's left me with a strong sense of gratitude as well as a sense that I still have much to learn, much to change about myself.

I guess I haven't had the best experiences with guys in the past. For years I stuck with my good girl friends, trusting and leaning on them and looking at guys that weren't related to me with...well, maybe uncertainty. More recently, that uncertainty grew into suspicion and discomfort. Guys had made me feel like I was invisible, like I was nothing more than an object, like I was flawed, not good enough, even worthless. I felt more and more like I had to be on the defensive around them and keep my guard up. I tended to expect to be disrespected or emotionally hurt by them. Any insecurities I'd wrestled with had been compounded by them--OK, maybe it's more accurate to say that I allowed my insecurities to multiply because of guys.

The experiences I had made me realize how much I valued respect, and when I finally began to befriend guys my age that truly did care for and respect me, that actually treated me as a human being and a friend, I couldn't get over how amazing it felt. Over and over my heart overflowed with thankfulness that God had brought good Christian brothers into my life, men that could help me move past my less-than-ideal experiences and renew my respect and appreciation for guys outside of my family.

But the sad thing was that it took them to point out that I wasn't expecting the respect I deserved from others. I was touched whenever I heard them become angry when they felt either I or other of our female friends weren't receiving the respect they deserved from other men. But I also felt rebuked when I realized that sometimes the fault lay partially with me. I had settled into a passive attitude, expecting non Christian men to just say and do things I wouldn't appreciate. I would try to avoid them, roll my eyes, ignore them. Maybe take it jokingly and laugh, thinking it wasn't a big deal. But in doing so, I was letting myself accept less respect.

I felt incredibly thankful--even amazed--that the Christian guys in my life believed that I deserved to be honored. That even a simple joke they found edging on distasteful wasn't acceptable because it compromised the respect that they wanted to show toward me and wanted others to show toward me.

It's hard to put into words how this situation made me feel, or just how grateful I am that God did bring these men into my life. It's hard to tell people things like this without sounding corny. And it's difficult to go into the past, to bring up some of the old hurts and scars and insecurities, in order to describe the impact just a few simple words or gestures can make toward recovery. But yes, I am very thankful for these men: thankful that they are constantly showing me that there are good guys out there, showing me that I deserve respect, showing me that I'm not just an "object", showing me that I can feel safe in a friendship of mutual respect and care. They are such a huge blessing. Deep down I think I always knew that there were godly men out there and they weren't "all jerks", and deep down I always knew that God valued me and that because of that I should value myself. But I haven't always lived it out; my heart hasn't always fully grasped what my head knows. Thank God for brothers that show me in their day-to-day conduct what I should never forget.

Opportunities for Service

Lately on Facebook I've noticed some people posting statuses each day for 30 days: 30 days of thankfulness for the month in which we celebrate Thanksgiving. Obviously, I kind of got the memo a little late, and decided there was no point. But I figured I could still list things I was thankful for, and then, I decided to take it a little further. Instead of just listing 30 things, why not blog about them? Even though November is halfway through, thankfulness isn't confined to one month...and December with the Christmas season is certainly a good time to focus on the things I am grateful for too. So I'm going to write 30 blogs (and hopefully do it within 30 days) about 30 things I would like to thank God for.

So, for day number one, I figured I would write about something that has been on my mind lately: helping others. In our lives, especially in our contemporary, self-centered society, it is so easy to only focus on ourselves. We are all busy, stressing about our jobs, worrying about money, hurting over loss or pain or old emotional scars, wondering about the future, racing to meet deadlines, and trying to beat or at least keep up with the clock. Whenever we do have free time, we want to focus on ourselves, and we want others to do the same for us. The thing is, we're often missing out on the biggest blessing we could receive. The blessing of giving to others in some way.

I can't say I am an expert at this at all, but I can say that when I have tried, I have always reaped blessings. What can match that feeling of purpose and joy that literally warms you inside when you see the face of someone you've helped in some way? How can you focus on all of your troubles, worries, and hurts when you are instead putting your energy into easing or comforting someone else?

I tried something new one night not that long ago. For various reasons, I was just having a bad night emotionally; I felt sad, battling old struggles that so often found ways to creep up on me. My instinct was to send a text to some of my girls asking for prayer, but I paused. I'll admit that my hesitancy was probably rooted more in pride than anything else. Why let them see that I felt weak when I could just hide my problems away and deal with them myself? Why would they want to hear about my struggles? I resisted the urge, but followed a new idea instead: I'd been trying to keep up with a prayer journal and take prayer requests from my friends frequently so I could remember to pray for them...why didn't I ask them if they had any new requests or updates now? Forcing myself to forget about my troubles and start praying for all of theirs pulled me away from myself. I began to feel better after just a few minutes because I had something new to concentrate on, and I felt like I was actually doing something useful with my time, something that made a difference.

There are other times when we're almost forced to help others out. For instance, I've had to sit in on a freshman writing composition class and help the freshmen with their writing each week for one of my own classes. I can still recall how battered and beaten down I felt one week as I sat in that classroom. The ache was physical, but the fact that I was forced to act normal and sweep aside my pain started to bring a semblance of normalcy to my day. Then I was assigned to a small group of freshmen to listen to their rough drafts and offer advice for improvement. As I sat there, eagerly contemplating ways in which they could transform their "rough" pieces into successful academic arguments, I began to feel like myself. By the time I'd given out my feedback to a couple of the students and listened to them thank me and see the way in which they drank up my advice, I was feeling genuinely happy. All of a sudden, I wasn't left with my thoughts; I had something new to throw myself into. But, far more than that, it was work that helped those around me. I didn't even know these freshmen, but I felt highly privileged to make their acquaintances, to have the chance to help them with some of the first college essays they'd ever written, to encourage them and give them confidence. I felt fulfilled, like I was doing something I was meant to do.

This is why I thank God that He gives us so many opportunities to serve those around us. As Christians, this is such an important aspect of our walk that we so easily forget. The thing is, we can serve people in so many ways, if we just stop concentrating on ourselves and take a moment to be thoughtful and considerate. Even when we are "forced" to help others, if we really begin to focus on them instead of ourselves, we will find enjoyment in the work. Even when it's work we don't particularly enjoy. Just knowing that we are lifting burdens off others is such a blessing. Sometimes, an act of service is simply giving up our time to stay or listen to someone, to give advice, to give them a hug or a smile when they need it, to go out of our ways to offer help to a stranger struggling with extra baggage or trying to pick up dropped items. In a culture that expects everyone to act as if the universe revolves around themselves, we can do so much to uplift those around us by giving of ourselves, even in small ways. Even when we feel so downtrodden or stressed ourselves, we don't think we have much to give.

It's a lesson that I need to work on...but I'm thankful that God is showing this to me. As we bless and help others, we are blessed abundantly in return. Our lives feel like they have so much more purpose when we are helping others. I'm very grateful for that.

Purpose in Pain

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

We've all been there. Some sort of trial or hurt impacts our lives. We all have bruised and scarred hearts, tattered and worn from the trials and aches of life. No matter how "little" some struggles may seem, if they leave us emotionally hurt, or have been a burden of stress, sorrow, fear, or pain--these struggles have carved their marks into our hearts. We all have our battles, our insecurities, our past wounds that still ache from time to time or leave us guarded or hardened in some way.

Then someone else is handed a similar situation or pain, and our hearts ache with sympathy. We can taste even the smallest portion of their hurt because we remember those dark days when we faced it ourselves. Maybe it wasn't that long ago, maybe we're still dealing with it now, or maybe the memory has faded so that we have a dim memory of the suffering. Either way, we know enough to want to reach out and encourage that person or just be there for them. We remember what comforted or strengthened us and we try to build our friend up through that knowledge. We remember how we wrestled through the problem and came out on the other side, even though it seemed like a battle that would never end, and we remind them that life will get better. They will heal.

Most importantly, we can turn to how God comforted us. We remember how He held us through the dark days or pain, strengthened us when we were weak, guided us when we were lost, encouraged us when we were afraid, and loved us when we were alone. We remember the hope. When we offer help to our friends, our words have deeper meaning and strength because they know that we have been victorious over this situation they are now trudging through.

It's such a blessing and encouragement to know that not only does God comfort us when we are hurting, but that He also equips us to comfort and encourage those around us in the process. Even if we can't understand why we are facing what we are facing, there is one sure, immediate purpose to our pain. To comfort others is to comfort ourselves, too, as our focus shifts from our own trials to others'. What a privilege to be the loving arms, the encouraging words, the friendly smile, or the listening ear to someone when that person needs it most.