Happiness

"The purpose of life is not happiness." I listened to these words in a sermon at a friend's church this past Sunday and these words hit me in a new way than perhaps they ever have before. The pastor reminded us all that Christ said His followers would have to take up their crosses daily. Jesus Himself is described as a "Man of Sorrows." 

I suppose for years I've always thought, "Well yeah, duh, the purpose of life is to glorify and love God and people. To show people His love. Simple." I guess I always assumed that happiness would come along as a packaged deal. Or maybe I didn't know enough of sorrow to imagine a life that didn't contain happiness, or that life could get that dark while serving a God of love. After all, as long as you have God, you have to be happy, right? I mean, you have HIS love!

However, this past year or so has really begun to make me look at life in a new way. What is MY purpose in life, specifically? What am I? Graduates are told to ask, "What do I want?" and, "What makes me happy?" I've found myself stumbling along in life, taking paths I never anticipated I'd follow, falling and crawling more than walking, questioning who I am and what I want and what I am meant for. I suppose this is the stage in life where we desperately thirst for identity--something perhaps we thought we'd begun to find for ourselves in high school or college, when we hit "adulthood" at 18 or even 21. We think we know so much about ourselves and about life back then. It's crazy to then graduate and realize...I am completely clueless. 

Sometimes my life feels a lot like being trapped in a stiflingly dark place, trying to push through to find clarity, contentment, meaning. I feel peace when I feel God near, but feelings are flimsy and I can't always rely on them. Sometimes, He feels so distant, so silent. Sometimes, even when I know He is there, when I feel His love close by, it still doesn't seem to influence me--it feels like the cold winter sun hitting the snow. The sun is there, but it is distant and not warm enough to melt the ice. It brings light and some comfort, but as of yet, it isn't doing much else. It is visible, but not felt. Present, but not close. 

When you spend so much time questioning where you belong and who you are; when you find yourself exactly where you always said you didn't want to be; when you see your dreams crashing from your hands and shattering to the floor; there's bound to be some hurt. Depression creeps up on you until it starts to feel like sadness is your shadow. Fear sneaks inside when you wonder where you are headed, when you realize that the things you'd planned out, the goals you'd sought to attain, the dreams you'd immersed yourself in all your life, might very well fall apart. 

But don't get me wrong. Though I feel--almost literally--as if God is burning me up, trying me until I become like purified gold, I am not hopeless. Various circumstances in my life are bringing me pain and sadness, and sometimes I feel so broken that I must be useless for God, but I am not undone. Sometimes I feel incredibly alone, but I am not forsaken. I heard His voice as someone prayed for me, not long ago. My identity is in Him. He loves me. He has heard all my broken cries. He knows the hurt in my heart when it seems like no one else understands or even knows about it, when I'm too ashamed to try to even talk about it to see if someone can empathize. 

And in all of this, I begin to see how happiness is overrated. Even in brokenness, I can sense God's goodness and love deep in my soul. I feel cold and dark and alone. I feel shattered and lost. But I know I am not. I know there is peace somewhere for me. I know I am loved. I know there is hope. And it's in this that my meaning in life becomes so much deeper than the "Who will I be" and "What makes me happy" and "At this age or this time I will accomplish ____." It becomes more than to "be happy." Happiness is shallow. I've watched it fade and glow bright, come and go. It's like the ocean tide: it's beautiful and soothing but it's fickle. We can spend our whole lives chasing the waves but they will always draw back from us just as we reach them. Life is full of hurt and brokenness, but there is no need to be afraid. Peace and joy in God run so much deeper than all of that. Even in tears, even in darkness, there is light. 

Does this mean happiness is wrong? No. Does this mean sadness is wrong? No. Emotions are, after all, just emotions. They will come and go, even in the space of one day or a few hours. If we settle on "being happy" as our life goals, we are actually cheating ourselves. We will never find permanent happiness here on earth. Ever.

So what is the purpose of life? Maybe it is still as simple as I thought it was when I was younger, but it's also so much more. Happiness might not always come with glorifying and loving God. We might still be sad. Sometimes we need to worship Him when our hearts are breaking. Happiness won't necessarily be with us as we love others in His name. Sometimes they will reject us, wound us, break us. But it is the Presence of God that is our reward, our comfort, our joy, our peace. There will be pain, but we will heal. There will be nights, but there will be mornings. Our identity is Christ. Our happiness is heaven, when we are finally with Him. Our peace and our strength right now, is His Spirit.